Work Work Work

They say that if you do a job that you love, you will never work a day in your life. But why do we have to work in the first place? Even if you do love your job, you will still have days when you wish you could just pack it all in. Ok, so I guess the bills need to be paid and mouths need to be fed, but is that the fundamental reason for why we work?

I like work. Not all work, just the work I like. I like working with people and I like the satisfaction of getting a job done well. I like jobs which can be completed and I hate work that is never ending  I guess I am generally quite driven and motivated; if I put my mind to something, it will get done.

Currently, I am not working as a student or an employee and it is driving me insane. In the past, I have thought that if I came into a whole load of money which would mean that I wouldn't have to work, then I would be quite happy. I then realised that my mind started to wander and think about all the new projects I could start up with all the money I had which is when I realised that my drive to work must be more than just money. This stint in hospital has only just confirmed it.

I guess, to some extent, I find purpose and meaning in work, I feel useful because I am contributing using the skill set that I have been given. But, so people tell me, this is an opportunity to rest and recover. So this is my question, how exactly do you do that? Does it mean that I have to lie in bed all day? Does it mean that I need to do what I enjoy? Well, I enjoy working but that is not an option. But then maybe it is. It is probably dependant on how you define work. In some respects, writing this blog is both work and not work. It is work in so far as I have decided that I would start this project and see it through to completion. But, in another way, I don't think it is work because it doesn't feel like it.

I think there are two extremes in attitude towards work which most of us are carry out and a wise middle ground which a few land on. Sluggard and Workaholic. Being a sluggard has never been an issue for me but being a workaholic has been/intermittently is. The consequences of not resting for me have been catastrophic in the past leading to burnout and severe depression. I tend not to rest until it is forced upon me ie when I have crashed and burned. By that point, the ship has sailed for rest and it is recovery that needs to happen which is different and takes energy in itself.

For me, resting requires organisation and discipline. I need to organise my rest time so that I do something that I know will refresh me - if I sit in front of the TV for a whole day as my rest day then I will definitely feel depressed by the end of it. Resting requires discipline because it is very easy to let other commitments which masquerade as higher priority to invade time that has been set aside for rest. Ideally I would like to be able to set aside one day a week for rest but that isn't quite practical for me. Realistically, I could probably manage one day a month, but even that is a challenge. I think the challenge for work and rest lies in finding the right rhythm to life, as oppose to a jerky stop start approach.  I guess it is similar to clutch control in a car - when you first start to learn, gear changes are very jerky and stalling is common; but as you get more practice gear changes become seamless. For me, I'm probably still at the stalling stage, so I guess I'm going to have to continue working at resting.

Fish Bowl

Tomorrow is my last day of treatment of chemotherapy for this cycle. In comparison to last cycle, this one has been a walk in the park. At the risk of a premature celebration, I haven't vomited once, my brain hasn't swelled up and I haven't been put into source isolation. I've felt a bit nauseous and fatigued, but that has been  it - the physical side has been reasonably easy. But I have struggled emotionally this time round. With cycle one, I was unconscious for the majority of it so time seemed to pass quickly. This week has felt like it has dragged on for a very long time. My days have been dictated by my chemotherapy schedule and there is no escaping it. 

I feel like I'm living in a fish bowl- bigger than your standard gold fish bowl, but nowhere near as big as the sea. I move around in the space that I have getting glimpses of the outside world I was taken from; a cruel reminder of what once was. Like a fish would play with a ball and hoop, in my tank there are things that I can do to keep myself occupied, but it is meaningless. The hope that this will be over eventually is followed by the realisation that eventually could be a really long time. I cling to the hopes and dreams that I hold dear, desperately trying to stop them from turning into fiction, trying to believe that all is not lost, that one day, they will come to pass.  I move around my tank to give the illusion of purpose. But when I can kid myself no more, I stop and find myself deflated, empty and wanting.

They say God never leaves us or forsakes us, well, He actually says that himself. But I feel disconnected from Him, as if He were in some far away distant place. I know in my head that He is near, but that seems to make no difference to my heart or how I feel. I often wonder why it is that I can seem so far away from God when He is actually by my side. I have come to the conclusion that it is something to do with me. There are times when I know that I feel disconnected from God because I am living in a way that is against Him - if I turn my back on God then it is logical that I will feel disconnected unless He intervenes. In other times, including now, I think I feel far from God because I am consumed by the heaviness of my circumstance and have lost sight of God's fatherly love for me. It is not wrong to grieve. it is part of healing, but it becomes unhelpful when the head is held continuously in the tear soaked hands. It is when the brow is lifted and the gaze settles on the One who saves that hope, true hope, flows back into the heart and the strength to carry on is rekindled. Even as I write this, my heart is beginning to feel a little lighter. 

But part of me still wants to reject this lightness of heart being offered to me in favour for despair. Maybe it is because I don't believe that God will save me from this and grant me the hopes and dreams I sorely long for. Yet this I call to mind, God is always true to His word and He has plans not to harm me but to give me life. It is highly likely that this will not happen in the way I think is best but that is a good thing because I am inherently flawed. Maybe the reason I choose despair is because I feel that if I stay in my fish bowl, I have the right to be angry with God, maybe I will feel better if I have someone to blame. I have been caught in that snare many a time before. The truth is that this path leads to self destruction. It is ok to tell God that you are angry and upset, but it is not ok to blame God for the current misfortune. It is not His fault and He is a loving father who grieves with you and is even more angry about the injustice than I could every be.

I don't know. These are just the ramblings of a little girl who wants simple answers to complicated questions from her Father. I know I won't get all these answers in this lifetime, but this I know. I do not have to settle for a life in the fish bowl. Life only has purpose and meaning when I am doing life with God.. I am in there for a season and the season will pass. But while I'm there, there are whole new journeys to be made and experiences to be discovered. My mediocre fish bowl may have just turned tropical.

Chapter Two

So my two week holiday on the outside has come to an end and I'm back in hospital now for round two. I have had a very restful and enjoyable time off, although bitter sweet at times as I mentioned in my last post. I got some fantastic news on Friday; I was told that I am in remission! This means that the chemotherapy has worked and and the bulk of the cancer has gone. The plan now is to continue with one or two more cycles (after this one) of chemotherapy treatment followed by a bone marrow transplant. The challenge now is to find a suitable donor for the transplant; this is done by searching the bone marrow transplant register. To find out more about bone marrow transplants and joining the register, take a look at the Anthony Nolan website http://www.anthonynolan.org/

Chemotherapy, this time round shouldn't be as physically harrowing as it was the first time because they should have found a combination of drugs that work best for me. I am likely to be in for the same amount of time as last time, roughly five weeks. I have started the chemotherapy regime today and will be finished it by Sunday this week. The rest of the four weeks will be spent recovering and waiting for my counts in my blood to recover. I know what's coming and how it is likely to play out which is reassuring but I think the main challenge for me will be emotionally. It was really hard coming back in today because I had just got accustomed to being free again. But, it is what it is and I just have to trust that God will sustain me one day at a time; He has always been true to His word and will continue to do so.

Time will tell what's in store over the next few weeks, but one thing's for sure, regardless of the storm ahead and the pain I endure, it will be used for good. Stay tuned.

When Sadness Dawns

I am half way through my two week holiday from hospital. I have spent my time sleeping, eating, playing with  the cats, reminiscing with old friends and catching up with my church family. The week ahead has in store much of the same, but it will end with a highly anticipated and long awaited visit from my brother, my sister-in-law and my beautiful baby niece. I am so grateful for my time out of hospital; but I find I am left with a bitter sweet taste in my mouth.

It has been wonderful being on the outside, but no matter how hard I try, the trauma of cancer and the beginning of the next cycle of treatment looms over me. It is like trying to escape from your own shadow. When I wake up in the morning, the ten boxes of pills tauntingly await me. I look into the mirror as I check the tube coming out of my chest to make sure the surrounding tissue is not infected; the fear of infection is never too far from my thoughts. I walk to the end of the road and I'm out of breath; I can't do what I want to do. I talk to friends, and while I am really glad to see them and find out how they are doing, I feel left behind as it seems that their lives move forward and, at best, my life stands still. I then realise that I am jealous of their lives, as I see the things they have that I want, and then hate myself for not being content. Every so often, out of the blue, sadness dawns and I don't know why.

When sadness dawns, everything seems irrelevant and pointless. I try to remind myself of the goodness that God has done in my life and how He is using this for His work, but it seems so shallow and fake. Maybe I use God's work as a crutch, a way to avoid facing the truth and allowing myself to grieve. Distraction has always been my number one tool for avoiding grief. The distraction would normally take the form of something church related so that I could justify the distraction because I was doing work for God. I am even doing it now through this blog. Well, maybe I am and maybe I'm not. This blog does give me the opportunity to talk about God but at the same time it forces me to pin down my thoughts and feelings coherently. If I didn't write things down I would be left with an aura of feelings which I wouldn't quite know what to do with.

So what do you do when sadness dawns? I'm reticent to say this, but I think the answer is grieve. Grieving is different from wallowing in self pity or entering into a hopeless spiral of depression. Grieving is allowing yourself to hurt and allowing yourself to be healed. Grieving gives you an opportunity to turn to God for healing. It may take some time and you may have to go through the process several times for the same issue, but those who hope in the Lord will never be put to shame. But this is all easier said than done. However, the beauty of putting my trust in the Lord is that I know that He is in control of my grief and my healing. I don't have to force myself to grieve in order to be healed. God knows when and how I will grieve and He will be there every step of the way. 

As I come to the end of this post, I am reminded of a particular chapter in The Chronicles of Narnia: The Magician's Nephew. The boy, who's name currently escapes me, is looking down at Aslan the Lion's great paws with tears in his eyes over his dying mother. Eventually, the boy gets the courage to look up into the eyes of Aslan. He sees tears in the Great Lions' eyes and knows in an instant that this Great Lion is more upset for the pain of his mother than He could ever be or imagine. My God feels my pain and grieves for me more than I can ever imagine or comprehend. Nothing or no one could ever compete with such love and compassion that He has for me. It is with this knowledge that my grieving and subsequent healing will begin.

What Are You Waiting For?

What am I waiting for? Lots of things. For example, I am currently waiting for Button The Cat to vacate my room, more specifically, my bed - "Why don't you just through her out?" I hear you ask in an exasperated voice. I tried that already. I'm not a complete ignoramus. That didn't work out so well for me so I shall wait patiently...then bribe her with some food later - tactics. But there are loads of things I'm waiting for. I'm waiting to go back into hospital and to get back out again. I'm waiting for the results of my bone marrow biopsy and a match for a bone marrow transplant. I'm waiting for the end of this treatment and to be given the all clear in three years time. I'm waiting for the next chapter of my life when I can put all this behind me. I'm waiting to work and earn my way. I'm waiting for love and for a family of my own. I'm waiting for answers and epiphanies. But above all else, I am waiting for the day when none of this matters any more; I'm waiting to die.

Curiously, it is the only item on my list, and I'm guessing yours too, that I can be sure will happen. It is a strange concept, waiting to die, because the idea of waiting for something suggest that there is a desire to acquire what has been patiently waited for. "Good things come to those who wait" they say. Ain't that sweet. Unfortunately, it's not particularly true or helpful. It is a carrot at the end of a stick to stop us making a fuss along the journey. Dying can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on your perspective and world view. But one thing is for sure, we are all waiting to die; the fact that death is inevitability, is irrelevant. 

I hate waiting. Mostly because it makes me wish my life away and stops me living my life now. But then, maybe it's not the waiting in itself that is causing this unsettledness. Maybe it is my need for control and assurance. If I was completely guaranteed that my waiting list would be fulfilled the way I wanted it to be, then maybe I wouldn't be so bothered. Waiting to die does not make me unsettled because I know there is something better after it and because I know it is definitely going to happen. 

So why wait? Waiting forces you to relinquish control because there is no other option. But, more importantly, when waiting is forced upon you it may be a gift of wisdom in disguise. For example, if your three year old son asks you if he can play with your chain saw to help you cut down trees, you would tell him to wait until he was older. It may be that many of the things I am waiting for would do me a disservice if I had them now. But on the other hand, maybe I am made to wait for a completely different and unknown reason. 

So here's the question. Is waiting good or bad? Yes. It is both because it depends on why and what you are waiting for. Some people are professional procrastinators and just need a good kick while others need to pause and consider before acting. The key is to know which is which. I guess the answer can't really be illustrated in a flow diagram, but can be learnt through listening, trial and error, and guidance from people who give wise counsel. Up to this point in my life I have always jumped in cannon ball first without a second thought and reaped the consequences. It is only now (slow learner you see) that I am starting to learn to wait. 

Ask Away Answers

This part of the blog is dedicated to answering the questions you have. Post your questions in the comment box on this page or any Ask Away pages and I will answer them.

Answers For Becki

1. What form of cancer do you have?

I have Chemotherapy Induced Acute Myeloid Leukaemia. So basically, I have leukaemia that has been caused by the chemotherapy I had three years ago to treat Hodgkin Lymphoma. 

2. What can I do to help?

There is always a need for support for cancer. Being on the bone marrow register is a fantastic thing to do because it helps people like me who are waiting to find a match for a bone marrow transplant. Unfortunately, bone marrow matching is not dependant on blood type or as straight forward, but the advantage of going on the list is that it is bound to be of help to someone somewhere. Also, if you can, please give blood. I am B+ but there is always a shortage. If you would like to raise money, the Teenage Cancer Trust would be the organisation to do it for, here is the link http://www.teenagecancertrust.org/

3. Can I send post?

The best place to send post to me would be directly at the hospital because I am there most of the time. The address is:

Stari Gunarathne

Ward 94

Bexley Wing

St James Hospital

Leeds

LS9 7TF

ps re cupcake flavour, surprise me!

Answers for Steph

1. Are you going through hair loss?

Yes and no. So I started to lose my hair at the start of the first cycle of chemotherapy, but once the chemotherapy eventually leaves your system after a few weeks, I stopped losing my hair and it started to grow back again. So if you saw me now, you wouldn't be able to tell that I have lost any hair. But eventually, I will most probably lose all of it, but it doesn't bother me too much. Irritatingly, you don't tend to lose body hair, just the hair on your head, so you end up looking like a bald yeti!

Answers for Liz

1. When does the next round of chemotherapy start?

It is most likely to start on Monday 11th March. It will hopefully not be nearly as bad as last time because they have reduced some of the chemotherapy doses and have found out what anti sickness medication works for me. I will probably have to play it by ear in terms of people visiting in the first week, but I shall let you know.

That's all folks! Keep the questions coming!

Ask Away

One of the things that breaks my heart about cancer is the fear it strikes into the people around the person going through it. I find that people are too scared to ask me deep questions for fear of upsetting me or fear of the answer. When I say people, I mostly mean adults. Kids, on the other hand, are a completely different ball game. Before the start of the treatment, I was at my friends house and she has three children. My friend had told her kids that I had cancer and what that would mean. When I walked into their house, I was greeted by the youngest, who is four years old, with "Stari, are you going to die?" No hesitation, no embarrassment, no build up to the question, just straight out with it. The question did take me by surprise, mainly because I was expecting a "hello" first, but I answered it as best I could in a way that she would be able to understand. It was refreshing to be asked a direct question with no awkwardness.

I was thinking about this last night and I decided that people have questions and those questions need to be answered. It is important that these questions are answered not only for your sanity but it will help to prepare you to walk alongside other people with cancer. So here's the idea. Ask Away. If you have a question, write it in the comments box on this page, or any future Ask Away pages, and I will answer it. You can leave your name if you like but don't feel you have to. You can ask about anything. You can ask about the medical questions e.g. treatment, symptoms, prognosis, patient experience, physical and emotional health, faith, life, my past experiences, or it could be something completely random. The point is, you have the freedom to ask anything if you wish.

I shall look forward to hearing from you!

   

The End Of Chapter One

The end of this chapter has come abruptly but has been a good surprise. I am allowed to go home today for roughly two weeks. My immune system is very low so I still have to be careful but at least I can recuperate in a much nicer environment. But there is one final hurdle I have to jump before being allowed to escape today - a bone marrow biopsy. I have had one before and it was agony so I am mentally preparing myself for the inevitable. The results from this bone marrow biopsy will show how well the chemotherapy has worked against the cancer. Those results will help the doctors know if they need to adjust the treatment before the start of my next round of chemotherapy which will begin in roughly two weeks time.

It is exactly five weeks today since I started my treatment. What a whirlwind! It has been incredibly painful, physically and emotionally, at times; but God's grace and loving faithfulness has been present the whole way through. I know many of you have been praying for me and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the love, support and encouragement you have given me. It has greatly helped to carry me through this first stage of the journey. You have been the Body of Christ to me and I pray that God will grant you every blessing and continue to strengthen your faith.

So this is me signing out for a week but tune in next time for the start of Chapter Two.

Failure

Failure. Even the word conjures up bad feelings. I have often felt in the past that my life has been marked by failure. In primary school, I failed to be accepted and was bullied. I failed the entrance exam for the secondary school I wanted to go to. I walked out of mock exams because I had a panic attack. I failed to control my emotions and was depressed. I failed to get the grades for medical school straight after school. I didn't complete my degree in St Andrews. When I did get to medical school, I failed my exams. I have had eight years of university education and nothing really to show for it; and now, yet again, my body has failed to maintain its health.

I think that the worst part of failure is knowing that you're not good enough. When I have failed at things in the past, it was always accompanied by a sense of shame and embarrassment."What will people think?" would feature in my thoughts. I started to fear failure, especially in academia, and as a result my anxiety increased to a level that was unmanageable. It would also stop me from doing things in case I failed at them. 

But that was then. My perspective on failure has completely changed.  There are lots of things that I have succeeded at, but that is not the point. The success that I have had does not make me feel better about the times I failed; one does not cancel out the other. What has changed my perspective is looking back and seeing how, through failure, my character has been built. There are two ways to respond to failure - stay on the ground or get up and run. The greatest lesson I have learned from these experiences is perseverance. It is still feels rubbish when failure comes but having the resilience to bounce back trumps that feeling because I know that it is only temporary. I am a strong person now, not because of failure itself, but because of what God has taught me through those experiences. Whatever happens I know I will not be given more than I can cope with. This gives me freedom to attempt new and challenging things with the crushing fear of failure.

I may not be good enough at lots of things in this life but that doesn't really matter anymore. Through my own strength, even though I tried as hard as I could, I could never meet the requirements to have a relationship with God. It was only through believing in Jesus that the infinitely large chasm could be crossed. Now I know that because I have faith in Jesus, I will always be good enough for God because when He looks at me He sees me covered with the perfection of Jesus. So even though, by human standards, I may continue to fail and not be good enough, I will always be good enough for God.  

Cupboard Update

So, I should probably update you on what has been going on over the last few days. I am no longer hiding in the glorified arts cupboard; I was moved back into a side room on Friday morning. I can't tell you how relieved I was and am for having my own room and being able to sleep. I feel so much better in myself now. 

In other exciting news, I think I'm ready to go home for a week either today or tomorrow. So, technically, the doctor hasn't actually said that I can go home because I haven't seen him today yet, but I saw my blood results and I'm pretty sure that the end of Chapter 1 is imminent. I shall keep you posted! 

The Straw That Broke The Camels' Back

I have been in here for 31 days now and I have finally cracked. In my defence, however, I think I have lasted a substantial amount of time before this meltdown. So what is the nature of this straw? A promise broken. In their defence, it is a relatively small promise, but it was enough to awake the monster. I was moved from the side room into a bay 6 days ago. Which is fine because someone more ill than me needed the side room. However, there are disadvantages to being in a bay with other people, firstly there is no privacy - pulling a curtain round your bed does not make it sound proof, nor does it stop people coming in when you are trying to get changed. Secondly, you are always with people, there is no time where you can be on your own in silence; I like people but even I need some time on my own. Thirdly, most importantly, you are continuously woken up through the night with other people's machines going off and the nurses coming in and out. To add salt to the wound, it isn't even possible to sleep during the day because people are constantly coming and going. I have been sleep deprived for 6 days and counting. I can cope with most difficulties, but sleep deprivation is my Achilles Heel.  As an aside, in some countries it is actually a form of torture to wake people up just as they are about to fall asleep. But there was a light at the end of the tunnel which was holding my will to live by a thread. The staff promised me that today, although I would still be in a bay, they would move me into the corner where there would be a tiny bit more privacy. Did they deliver? No. They moved someone else into that area instead. When I asked them why they had done this, instead of owning up and apologising they shifted the blame. The result, adding fuel to the fire.

I am now venting in a glorified version of a store cupboard because it is the only place where I can find some quietness and privacy. I have kind of half decided that I am no longer going to be a compliant patient; I am even toying with the idea of self discharge. Why should I get up and go to bed when I'm told to, take the tablets when I'm told to, stay on this ward and not wander off. I know what your thinking, it's for my own good and they are only trying to help and keep me safe. But here's the thing, everything is so controlled that I want to push back. At least in prison, they get to go outside for exercise and are not being pumped full of poison; I bet the food's better too. What the staff don't appreciate is that for now and the foreseeable future this hospital, this ward, is my home where I am trying to live my life. Nobody would dare to walk into a persons house and act in this way.

This is normally the point in my blog where I flip the issue round and talk about what I think God would say on the matter. But, at this current moment in time, I've got nothing; but maybe something will emerge. The reason why, in my blogs, I always turn the issue over to God is to stop myself wallowing and going round in a vicious circle of despair. It is when you look to God that you find hope and your burden is lifted. So even though, the last thing I want to do right now is take this to God because I rather stay angry, I am going to try because I know it is the right thing to do and I will feel much better for it. So here goes.

I guess the first thing I need to tell myself is that it is not wrong to be angry and upset. It is ok to grieve. I know that when Jesus was on this earth He got angry and He was upset. I know that the pain that I am feeling now He feels too because He is with me. But staying angry and upset is not good because it leads to bitterness, resentment and the desire for revenge which is all consuming and destructive. I have to forgive the staff, as many times as necessary, for being inconsiderate. God has forgiven me for much much worse so I have no excuse not to forgive others even if they don't apologise or don't change. Forgiving people is hard and sometimes I find I need to forgive the same person for a particular issue in the past several times before the forgiveness has fully settled in my heart. It is a discipline, but it is one worth persevering with because the alternative is destructive. Once we forgive, we can receive healing from God for our wounds.

So the prediction of feeling better once I focused on God has come true. For those of you who are slightly concerned that I am going to stage The Great Escape, for now at least, I shall put my blueprints away. As always, God has the final word. True rest comes from Him, so I will trust Him to give me rest. I am much calmer than I was at the start of this blog but woe betide anyone who dares to wake me in my cupboard!

Are You Sure?

I've been a Christian for a little while now and over the years God has strengthened my faith. But that doesn't mean that I don't doubt, I am still only human. The question that comes back to me from time to time, especially when things are hard, is "Is what I believe is actually real? Can I be sure?" I can't see God with my eyes, I can't touch God, so what proof do I have that He exists? Sometimes I wonder if the way I have chosen to live my life has been for nothing. Have I been brainwashed? Maybe the atheists have it right, or what if a different religion is the one.

But despite these doubts that arise, my faith is not shaken because it is through God's strength, not my own, that I have faith. Faith is not blindly believing in something without questioning and it is not dependent on how you feel at a particular point in time. Faith is believing what was said to be true even though it can't be seen.  I used to think that seeing was believing until I came across optical illusions. That was when I realised that I can't wholeheartedly trust, in the absence of other evidence, what my eyes tell me. But there are some things that we believe in that we can't see. Take the wind for example; we can't see it but we know it is real because we can feel it's effects.  Likewise, I can't see God but I can feel His effects. 

I work out my faith in two ways, with my head and with my heart. When doubts arise, my starting point when investigating the validity of these doubts is to ask the question "Is the bible reliable and true?" I am no biblical scholar, but the evidence that I have heard for and against has convinced me that the bible is historical, reliable and true. Once I have established the trustworthiness of the bible, that pretty much takes care of most of the doubts that I had.  But if I left it at that, it would be useless.  I would just be an academic and miss out on the transforming power of what God says in the bible. I have to believe the bible to be true in my heart. This comes over time. When I look back on my life, I can clearly see God's hand in it and I can see where the promises He has made in the bible have come true. This is what truly builds up my faith and squashes my doubts.

However, there is one further objection that rears its head.  What about the parts in the bible I disagree with. I have since learned, the hard way, that when I disagree with what God says in the bible, it is either because I don't understand what it being said or because I don't like. Generally, when I don't like what is being said, it is because I am doing the opposite when I know I shouldn't be. Just because I don't like or understand something doesn't make it untrue. There are some things in the bible that I will never understand and people ask me how can I believe in God when I don't understand. Firstly, God is all knowing and limitless and I am just a mere limited human. It would be equivalent of a child refusing to trust a parent because they didn't understand the decisions the parent was making. Secondly, not even in science is it possible to understand everything yet we will still use it.

So that is basically my train of thought I go through periodically when I doubt. I don't tend to worry about having a crisis and losing my faith because God doesn't lose a person. Knowing this gives me the freedom to ask hard questions without the fear of rejection or falling away from God. Faith is a gift given from God. It cannot be taken and cannot be earned. But it comforts me to know that faith is a gift that is freely given when asked for. My life has completely changed now that God is in it. Travelling the road of faith is hard but I wouldn't change it for the world.

If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands

I like being happy. I'm generally quite a happy person, but it does surprise me that I am. It almost doesn't make sense. When I look back on my life, I see a life full of pain and suffering and I wonder why I am happy now. As I've said in a previous post, I have struggled greatly with depression and even though there were glimpses of happiness in the depression and out of it, it never lasted.  I felt like a leaky bucket; I would start to feel happy but then it would leak out and I would never be able to find the hole.

I used to keep myself super busy going from one thing to the next so that I avoided any possible opportunity to think.  I hated to going to bed at night because it would be the only time that there was for me to think.  Instead, I would stay up until I was exhausted so that I knew I would fall asleep. I was afraid that if I had time to think, then all the pain and hurt that I had put into my metaphorical box would burst open like a Jack In The Box.  In my world, emotions were a bad thing; they hold you back and stop you getting the job done. The solution to this persistent problem. Don't stop.

People who knew me would see me as a happy bubbly person. But it was my mask that I would wear in the world. Inside, I was scared and felt alone amongst the crowd.  I got very good at this act, I was even able to talk about hard issues in my life without being emotionally connected.  The result?  Nobody knew I was suffering.

But that was then and this is now. I am no longer a leaky bucket, I am a bucket overflowing. What changed? My box exploded - repeatedly. Through a combination of slow learning and stubbornness I had missed an important lesson.  It is only through healing that I could be truly happy.  The box that I had for my pain and fears needed to be healed. But it was a long and painful process; but it was a good sort of pain.  The pain in healing was nowhere near as horrific that I feared it would be but, in a way, it was soothing because I was finally allowed to grieve. 

The biggest lie that was contained within my box was that God was not loving but out to get me.  It took many years for God to undo the hurt in me and open my eyes to His true nature.  I remember the distinct moment when I the truth sank into my heart that God loves me and that's when everything changed.  Knowing that truth has set me free to be happy. I know that when I am hurting, I can trust God to heal my wounds because I can't heal them myself. It is because of this truth that I am able to be happy despite my past and despite the cancer.  

The joy and excitement of personally knowing God has no comparison.  I used to think I was happy filling my life with work, hobbies and distractions but it was a poor imitation of the real thing. I am happy not because of where I find myself in life, but because I do life with God.

Choices

Do you ever wonder how things would have turned out if you had made a different choice? I do. I look back on my life now and find my self asking how I got here.  This place were I am now couldn't be further from where I saw myself being.  If you asked me ten years ago where did I see myself in a decades time, I would have said that I would be married, a doctor and living an easy life.  We all know how that turned out.  But why?  Why did my plan not work out? Did I make a wrong choice at a critical point in my life? Did I make a series of wrong choices? Would things have turned out differently or would I have ended up in the same place regardless?

I have often wondered if I had know the outcome of my choices in advance if I would make a different choice.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no and sometimes I would rather not know.  I am generally quite a decisive person which is a good thing, but my weakness lies in my impulsiveness.  I have made choices that I regret, that have caused myself and other people to get hurt; if I could get a chance at a do over, I would take it.  But there have been times where I have made the right choice, but the fruits of that choice have only become apparent later down the line.  The choices were I would rather not have the foresight for are few, but they are pertinent to me.  Just before I was due to start treatment for this cancer and the first cancer I was told that there was a chance that the chemotherapy could affect fertility. There was the opportunity for egg harvesting but it would take time, time that I potentially didn't have.  In both cases, I chose to take the risk to my fertility and have the chemotherapy as soon as possible.  But the future consequence of that choice scares me.  However, I think I have chosen the lesser of two evils.

If you ask me now where do I see myself in ten years time, I would tell you that I wouldn't have a clue.  This is quite novel for me.  I tend to always have a long term action plan and I then live my life making choices that would achieve those goals.  But if you don't know where you are going, how do you know which road to take?  In my experience, my plans have invariably never come to pass.  No matter how much I try to control the situation, my plans seemed to be foiled at every turn.

I previously thought that a lack of a long term action plan would strike fear into me and bring chaos, but it has been surprisingly liberating. Why? It is because I trust. I trust not in knowing all, but in the One that does.  I didn't realise it at the time, but my desire to strive for my self imposed goals was crushing me.  But when you trust in God and ask Him for His plans to be your plans then you can rest assured in the knowledge that those plans will work out for your good.  The road He takes you on will be rocky and at times it seems like a terrible idea. The path that God has led me along has been, and is currently, very rocky.  I remember saying to Him that this is really far from the plan, that there must be some mistake. But I can't see past the end of my nose. Who but God alone can know the future in all its entirety with all variables considered? I know that He has got me through such tough times before so I know He will again because regardless of how faithless I am, He is always faithful. 

I may not be a doctor or married or living an easy life, but I wouldn't swap it for the world.  There is one choice that I do not and will never regret and that is to follow Jesus. I don't know what the future holds or what choices I will make, but there is one thing that I do know. I am safe because He's got my back.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall Who Is The Fairest Of Them All?

What do you see when you look into the mirror? Over the years, I have spent a vast amount of time looking into the mirror.  If I'm honest, most of the time, the purpose of the mirror is to feed my vanity - to make sure the world is seeing the person I want them to see.  When I was growing up as a child, I hated the way that I looked; I was very fat.  The story of the Ugly Duckling would feature a lot in my thoughts and I would hope that one day I would turn into a beautiful swan.

During my teenage years and at university, I spent my free time doing sport. I did karate and trampolining and I was good at it. I remember a switch in my thinking when I started to win competitions. Before, the goal was to exercise to get thin but now it had changed to making my body into a performing machine that was capable of winning and being the best of the best. 

When I got cancer the first time round, my perception of body image changed drastically.  My skin turned grey, my body shape changed, my fitness went down the toilet and I lost my hair.  I distinctly remember looking at myself in the mirror and not recognising the reflection I saw.  It was in that moment that I lost it and was completely distraught. 

After the I recovered from the first bout of cancer, I began to work on my body again, I went back to the gym and decided I was going to get fit and lose my fat once and for all - I even got myself a personal trainer. Finally, I was starting to reach my goal of being thin and beautiful.  But here we are again.  Back in the same position I was three years ago.  All that hard work, all that effort, all that self control wasted.  It leaves me asking the question why did I bother?

Beauty.  That is what I was striving for.  In my mind, I had believed the lie that being thin made you beautiful.  I learnt the hard way that what makes you beautiful is your identity, in my case, it is my identity in Christ which reveals beauty.  The world we live in is very superficial and we judge people by the external.  We are bombarded by images of "beautiful" people being successful.  What we don't see is their internal suffering which destroys them and sometimes leads to suicide.  What is the point having a beautiful exterior when you are rotting on the inside?  Eventually, the rot on the inside will spread to the exterior. 

My body is weak and fragile, but my soul is not.  It is because of what Jesus has done that I know that I will live on.  It does pain me to watch my body slowly decay, but yet I call this to mind; one day things will be different, one day there will be no more pain, suffering or death, there will be no more tears.  

Singleness

This is one of the hardest topics for me to write about.  Why?  Because it is the issue I struggle with the most.  From the title of this post, you have probably worked out that I am not in a relationship; I haven't been in one for a long time.  I am not a serial dater; I have always firmly believed and strived for marriage, which means that I will only pursue a relationship if I think it has the potential to lead to marriage.  But it is tough.  Ashamedly, I have to admit, that there is a part of me that feels bitter every time I hear of two people getting engaged.  I know I should be rejoicing with them, and a large part of me does, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that a part of me envied the life they have, as it is the life that I want.

Up until about a year ago, being single tormented me relentlessly.  I was haunted by loneliness and self disgrace.  I so desperately wanted to be in a relationship, having the comfort that other people had, but because it never happened, I attributed it to myself.  I believed I was unlovable, damaged goods and beyond redemption.  A slight aside: for those of you who have met me, you may be thinking that there was never any hint of this broken girl I am describing; but the truth be told, I suffered in silence and I used my acting skills to cover my tracks.  This torment that I am describing started ten years previously and I had to learn to live with it every day without rest.  It was always worst at night I would routinely be distressed going to bed.

However, God is the God of redemption. Something inside me changed drastically after I was prayed for intensely regarding this issue.  I felt like the chains that bound me had been broken; it was like taking a gasp of fresh air after you have swam up from the depths and broken through the oceans' surface.  I began to identify the lies that I believed that had tormented me and replace it with the truth, the truth that sets free.  The biggest lie that I believed was that I wanted find my husband so that, in marriage, he would always be there for me, love me and never leave me.  The fundamental flaw in this thought is that the job description I have just described for my husband can only be fulfilled by God.  Only God can promise to, despite what I do, always love me, always be there for me and never leave me - no strings attached.  By placing that responsibility on my future husband would surely crush him and lead to a poisoned relationship between us and between God and myself.

Another lie that I believed was that I was unlovable.  This was because my identity and self worth, at the time, was in being in a relationship.  Not being in a relationship meant that I felt unlovable.  The lie of being damaged goods and beyond redemption, is still a lie that creeps in from time to time now, especially when I go through major life events like cancer.  However, we are all broken people and I challenge anyone to disagree.  But the good news is that God is the one who heals.  Over the years, the past hurts that have been embedded in my soul have been removed and replaced by a new and rich awareness of God's love for me.  Through this healing process, I have found that I am being transformed from a broken scared girl to a new complete person, a beloved child of God.

So now that those chains had been broken, did that mean that this issue became non existent?  No.  But, I tell you, the change has been so dramatic, that it is only on occasion that I struggle with being single and nowhere near to the severity that it once was.  It is on occasions like this that I struggle, occasions like cancer.  This diagnosis of cancer changed everything in the space of ten minutes.  All my hopes and dreams, one of them being finding my husband, no longer seemed plausible given this diagnosis.  It is not the fact that I am currently single that troubles me, but the fear of being single forever, or for a long time, that does.

However, it is worse to be unhappily married than to be single.  Just because, it is something that I hope for does not mean that I will compromise.  In the bible it says that a husband must love his wife like Christ loves His Church.  Now, I don't know if you've ever given this some thought, but basically it means that a husband needs to love his wife faithfully regardless of how she is and be willing to die for her and take responsibility for her in the eyes of God.  That is tough.  But I will not marry a man who is unable to do that.  It is up to the man to take up the responsibility, commit and grow into the Christ-like man that God intended him to be.  Until, I meet the man who's first love is God and who can take up that responsibility in such a way that I would be able to follow, I will remain single, even if it means being single for the rest of my life.

Being single, as well as being married is for a season in this life; what isn't known is the length of time these seasons will last.  For example, if you are married now and remain married for the whole of your life; unless both of you die at the same time, one of you is going to once again enter into a season of singleness.  This is one of the reasons why it is so important to have your identity in Jesus and not in your spouse or marital status.

For me, singleness is an opportunity.  It is a opportunity to know God deeply and learn to rest and trust in Him.  I have often wondered if maybe I will be single for the rest of my life, but in a way, that answer is not important.  What is important is knowing that, regardless of my circumstances my God will always provide.  He will never leave me, He will never forsake me and one day I will see him face to face and spend the rest of eternity with Him.

Suffering Well

On occasion, in the past, I would find myself complaining about an unfortunate incident that would have happened to me.  My flatmate at the time, and now one of my dearest friends, would be subjected to listen to me complain.  On one such day of complaining, I remember saying to her "Why me!" and she replied, with perfect comedic timing, "And why not!"

Going through suffering is something we all have to endure at every stage of our lives.  The scale of the event causing the suffering can arguably be measured objectively, but the distress it causes to the individual is subjective.  For example, a toddler falls and scrapes his knee.  This is clearly not the end of the world but given the way the toddler is screaming the place down you might expect it to be so.  Suffering is unique to the individual person.  For the bystanders, the most helpful thing to do is laugh when they laugh and cry when they cry.

It is not possible to avoid suffering but is it possible to suffer well?  It is easy to mistake someone who is suffering well with someone who is putting on a brave face through their trials.  That is not suffering well.  Nor is it denying your circumstances.  Nor is it pinning your hopes on a false notion that things will get better - believe me, that is a devastating mistake.  To suffer well is to let go of control and to trust in the one who is in control.  A large part of my suffering in the past was formed by my need to be in control and control the environment around me.  But if I was totally honest, I wasn't in control of anything either in suffering or out of it.  You could say that I was in control of my daily routine; not the case when I sleep through my alarm!

I have faced a lot of suffering in my life, but the one thing that I have noticed is that suffering produces perseverance and it refines your character.  It is often said, that when they are at their lowest point, that is where they find God. This is certainly true in my case.  It is really hard to describe something that is invisible, but I knew God was with me through those terrible times.  There was this one time when I was so distressed and I cried out to God and immediately this calmness descended on me like a thick blanket and I felt safe.

The trials that I have faced, have drawn me closer to God and have built my faith in Him.  All I need to do is take a trip down memory lane and I can see where He has helped me and brought me through.  But what's more amazing is that I know that God actually understands and feels my pain too. I know in my heart that God looks after me, just because I suffer in this life, does not change that fact.  God doesn't inflict suffering on people, that is the job of the enemy and the effects of sin, but he does use all things for the good of those who love him.

When you know God, you can rest.  You find that strength will rise up inside of you that is not your own.  To suffer well is to keep your eyes on the goal.  The goal is not to have an easy life, but to run the race of life with perseverance; not giving up half way; not choosing a different path but keep on keeping on with your eyes fixed on Jesus.  It is then, at the end of this life, when you will hear the sweetest words any Christian can wish to hear, "Well done good and faithful servant".  And that is how you suffer well.

Identity

How would you answer the question "who are you"?  In the past up until the recent present I would have always answered that question  by saying "I'm Stari and i'm a medical student".  But when I think about it, that's not a very useful answer.  My name in itself doesn't tell you anything about what makes me me.  Nor does my occupation - you may be able to infer some things about me from it, but it doesn't tell you anything really meaningful. Maybe, then, the answer is to add in a few more things that you do as part of your identity, for example hobbies.  Granted, that might provide some more information about what you do but not about who you are or the essence of you.

But here's  the thing, if you define yourself by what you do, what do you do when you no longer can do the things you always did?  Who are you then?  This is something that I discovered with my first bout of cancer and its something that I am revisiting again now.  Being ill, I am not able to any of the things I did before.  Does that mean that my identity has now changed to being a nobody?  Or a patient?  I personally don't think that something so fundamental as identity can change so flippantly. Being a cancer patient tells you what I am doing but not who I am.  Cancer is not my identity.

For me, my identity is kept safe in God.  This is one thing that will never change.  While, the things of this life will perish, God will never change, He will always stay the same.  Having my identity in God means  that I am rooted and have my feet planted.  Then when life's disasters hit I will not be destroyed.  Imagine yourself in a ship wreck at sea.  There is lots of debris being tossed and turned in the violent sea.  If you decide to cling to those bits and pieces and save them from the wreckage your fate will be sealed along with the debris and you will be at the merci of the raging sea.  However, if you find a rock that is rooted and you cling to that, despite how many times the breakers and the waves crash down on you, you will not perish.

This is a lesson that I have had to learn the hard way.  There have been countless times where I have found myself out at sea clinging to my possessions only to go down with them.  I have had numerous identity meltdowns when I have lost what I was clinging onto.  But now that I know who I am, I can rest.  I know who I am is safe in God's hands because He will never fail me.

So who am I?  I am a Child of God.

How Long Does It Take To Do A Medical Degree?

Well, for me the answer to that would be equivalent to "how long is a piece of string?"  As you may have gathered already I am a medical student and I have managed to get to year four of what is normally a five year course.  But in actual fact, this is my sixth year doing this course; needless to say, it has not been an easy ride.

Our story begins on a bright sunny day in September 2007 in Leeds.  I remember walking into the medical school bright eyed and bushy tailed, a keen bean, an eager beaver, ready to take on the challenge of becoming a doctor.  The first challenge that I had to face, however, was myself.  As a teenager, I had struggled with depression and anxiety.  This is not your usual feeling down or being worried, what I struggled with was paralytic fear which would descend into a helplessness that was so thick and dark, it was all consuming.  However, I had been free from such ailments for a couple of years between leaving school in 2005 and starting in Leeds.  In those two years, I was at St Andrews University (no I didn't meet the prince before you ask) studying biology and psychology.  In 2007, I left that degree to come down to Leeds to study medicine.  It was then that the monster of depression reared its ugly head once again in my life.  It's really hard to describe what it is like to be depressed if you haven't experienced it yourself.  It is like you have to wade through a muddy river carrying world on your shoulders in the thickest fog and you don't know when it is going to end.  As a result of this, I failed my exam and had to retake that module the following year; this meant I wasn't going to be able to progress into year 2 with all of my friends.  I remember feeling a huge sense of shame about failing and it ate away at me slowly.

But anyway, my year out came and went and I finally had made it into year 2.  It was two weeks into starting  the course again when I found a lump on my neck.  That started a chain reaction of endless tests, medical miscommunication and finally, a diagnosis on the 23rd December of Hodkin Lymphoma  - cancer.  So that was that, I came out of university again to start chemotherapy once every two weeks for six months.  My journey through that would take a book to tell, but long story short, it was really hard.

September 2010 dawns and I have been chemo free for a couple of months when I return to university, back into year 2.  I actually managed to complete year 2 and year 3 in a oner, which was a major achievement for me! And now we are up to year 4 when I get the news that I have cancer again.  Once again, I have to leave the course; the difference this time is that I don't know for how long.  The end of this degree is tantalisingly close but again so far away.  The future is ahead is unknown and uncertain and I find myself asking the question if I had three months to live, would I be doing what I'm doing now?  I don't think so.  I can't really imagine myself on my death bed saying "if only I finished that medical degree!".  But then I guess most of us, if we are are honest, wouldn't be doing what we are doing if we knew when our time was up.  Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy it, but is it what I enjoy the most?  Do I live to work or do I work to live?

It makes me wonder what it is about death that really focuses the mind and makes us take a look at our priorities.  Is it fear? But then fear of what? Dying? Pain? What's on the other side?  Or is it regret?  Regret for not stewarding the time were given well? Not doing what really matters?  I don't know.  I don't fear death because of my faith in Jesus but I think what has focused my mind is using my time in this life wisely; doing what I was made to do.  My brother once said that Usain Bolt is the fastest man on the earth, but if you put him in a rowing boat, he will lose.  He was made to run, not row.  

So how long does it take to do a medical degree? God knows.

Back here again?

This is an ammonite fossil.  What I find interesting about it is the intricate spiral pattern.  I don't like going round in circles. A lot of the time I feel like I've already faced a particular trial and now I'm back here again. This picture only shows you a lump of dark grey rock, but what I can see when I hold it is that with every step up, with every rotation, round the fossil it shines and glimmers a little different each time.  Maybe the same can be said for the events of this life - even though I have been here before there will be something new, something beautiful, to see amongst the dark grey rock.

Time for some catch up.  I am currently writing this blog in hospital and I have been here since Monday.  Two weeks ago I was told that I have an aggressive form of leukaemia (acute myeloid leukaemia - for those who are interested in terminology) that has been cause by the chemotherapy treatment I had 3 years ago for the Hodgkin Lymphoma.  The doctors have said that this is incredibly rare for this to have happened and now I have to stay in hospital for about five weeks at a time getting intensive chemo to cure the cancer that was caused by the chemo - go figure.

I have had one of the worst weeks of my life this week.  I had a very rare reaction to one of the chemo drugs which made my brain swell (encephalitis) .  I was severely ill for four days and today is the first day that I have any strength.  Yesterday, it got to the point that, if death were an option, I would have taken it gladly - and I do not say that light heartedly.  I just couldn't go on.    But, with some calming words from the docs, encouragement from friends and a shed load of prayer, I did continue to take the treatment and I feel much better today.

I spoke to a Chaplain today, we shall call him Charlie.  We had communion (those pocket communion things are amazing!) and a really interesting chat.  I guess what I learned today was that each trial or difficulty I have faced has built up my faith so that I can look back and know that if God has got me through A B and C, which have increased in intensity, in the past then He will get me through X Y and Z in the future.  But, it does make me wonder if this could be building up to a bigger test of faith!

From Me to You: Medics make the Worst Patients.

I have decided that it might be useful to reflect (how we dislike that word) on what it is like to be a patient for the benefit of us all; here are my initial observations.

1. I have been put in a side room and am being kept in isolation for infection control.  Although I know and understand the reasons why people entering the room have to where a gown and gloves, as a patient, it does make you feel like your a bit of an outcast or someone to be held at arms length.  
2. Also, using jargon to wiggle your way out of a question does not go down well, especially if you actually understand the jargon! If you don't know go find out and then don't "forget" to come back.
3. The nurses are amazing, bake them cookies!

That's all for now folks, signing out.