Wednesday, 11 December 2013
Human Being or Human Doing?
I had a meltdown yesterday; not surprising I guess. I hadn't slept properly the night before, when I was moved back into the bay, and I was plagued with horrific nightmares and people obliterating and overstepping my boundaries that I had put in place to help keep myself safe emotionally. I felt suffocated, alone, helpless and completely out of control.
Once again, the final straw came last night in the bay, when all I wanted to do was cry and scream and shout but couldn't because I was in a public space. They had moved me out of the side room, for managerial purposes, orders from above. Death is ugly and undignified and I thought to myself, "why is it that all my fallen comrades were able to die with dignity and in peace while I have to suffer this humiliation?" There is a reason why I am on the "fast tract" pathway and it is because I am going to die very soon. As far as I am concerned, there is no other higher trump card than that. I was so distraught, but what can you do. It is so painful to be told that you are the "top priority" when being treated in such a way. I hope, that those who managed beds will read these words, and when the time comes for them, remember them.
The other main source of pain for me is seeing visitors, reading texts and emails. As I've said before, my eyesight is failing and it is really difficult for me to look at screens. Thankfully I can just about touch type but it takes a lot of energy. I really appreciate your words of kindness and they do build me up, but it would be better if people could send me cards so that someone could read them to me. The address is:
St James's University Hospital
Ward J94,Level 5
Tel: 0113 2069194
I've got to the point where I can't plan in advance to see visitors. So if you do want to visit one day please phone the ward, tell them your name and if your from, church uni etc, and the nurses will be able to ask me. Please don't contact me directly, to arrange visits due to my eyesight and the amount of time I spend sleeping, as I wont reply.
I long with all my heart to see you all but on each encounter I am acutely aware that it is likely to be my last encounter you. Each time, it is like having a dagger rip my heart to shreds and I can't take it. I am currently walking a tight rope of not knowing when I'am going to die and entertaining a small hope that I will be miraculously healed without falling into the trap of false hope. But it's so hard. It's so hard, to constantly submit yourself to God and say "I trust you and no matter what happens you will make it alright somehow". Constantly, relentlessly I have to tow that line and I'm tired. I try to live each day for moments of joy and peace, but they are short lived as I dread to peer around the corner for the next thing that will rob my peace. Every day, I have to get use to a new routine, as I realise that my body will not function as good as it did the day before; their is no stability, no reference point, no scaffolding from which to work on. Night is day and day is night. How long can one endure such torture?
I wrote in one of my very first blog posts about how, through all the trails, troubles and despair I have faced, God was preparing me for something that would draw on those skills. I half jokingly commented that I wonder what on earth He had up His sleeve that could be worse than all that I've already been through; well, now I know. I just can't believe how things have turned out. I can't believe that over the last year God would transform me in such a way that I would have the toolkit to help others for His Kingdom, and then, at the very last minute take it away. One of the blessings about living with lots of different families over the last year is that I got to experience how to do life from multiple perspectives. As far as I was concerned, this counted as my training for when all this was over.
But oh what a waste it all seems now! What is the point! I have lived my entire life striving to do what is right, trying to learn, trying to be more Christ like. And for what! For it not to be used. I have so much left to give and it kills me that I can't deliver. I have never been content just being, I want to be doing. But maybe that is the lesson that God has been trying to teach me my whole life. I need to be a Human Being not a Human Doing. Maybe, the only lesson He has been trying to teach me is that He loves me and wants to be and rest in Him. I am dispensable. God's will and His plan will prevail regardless because His power is made perfect in our weakness. But why can''t I be a part of the vision to come; I feel so robbed, so let down, so cheated. I don't know. I'm grieving and it hurts intensely. But then, it all comes back to towing that line of tension of trust and submission, despite the outcome. Faith and hope comes from knowing that God has saved us for eternity; not from death in this life. If there is one thing that would bring joy to my heart, it would be to know that this simple truth has been engraved on your heart also. There is only one God; in all situations, turn towards Him.