Monday, 2 December 2013

The Bucket

People have often asked me if I have made a bucket list. But, to be honest, I haven't given it too much thought. But, in fairness, over the last year, I have managed to inadvertently complete a bucket list. I learned to knit, crotchet, start to learn to play the and the ukulele, paint pottery, see some sights, pat some horses, meet my new niece, meet and walk alongside people I have never met before, live with multiple families and be involved in family life, write a blog, and generally just get in touch with my creative side amongst other things; whilst having a few laughs along the way. I don't think I've done too badly. But now, the situation has changed. In theory, there are things that I would like to do, for example, go to the beach, but the problem is that I just don't have enough energy. I do get the occasional wave of inspiration and excitement to go and do something, but when the time comes, I have no energy to actually enjoy the activity and all I want to do is be in bed. 

I think part of the reason I am not to fussed about seeing and doing things is that I know when I get to heaven I will be able to see and do all those things again, but they will be much better; in fact they will be perfect. At the moment, my number one priority is to be comfortable and at peace. As I said before, I don't have much energy, but I do really enjoy and find fulfilment in being at peace and having family and close friends around me just for a quick ten minute chat until I fall asleep again. I guess, for me, my bucket list is about relationship rather than places. Strangely, I get quite a lot of satisfaction from writing these blog posts and letting you all into my life in real time. I feel like I've achieved something, even if that something is just to encourage you. 

I like having mini projects, I guess its just part of my personality. I've decided that I'm going to turn my blog into a book; the only thing that is holding me back is fatigue. I find it very frustrating that I spend most of my time during the day sleeping and that I can't utilise the time that I have in the way I would want to. But I guess, its all part of learning the new process.

Where is my faith at the moment? It's in a funny place. I don't feel far from God but at the same time, I don't feel super close. I just wish I new how long this period is going to last for. It's so hard, living each day by day, fighting with your own emotions and the emotions of others when you don't know where the finish line is. This is the toughest endurance test I've ever had to take, but God has trained
me well.

I went to visit the hospice the other day and I have decided that when the time comes, I would like to die in the hospital instead. The hospice is very nice and the staff are amazing, but it did hit me that all the patients were old and I would have to make new relationships with the staff; I just don't feel like I have the energy to do so now. Neither option is perfect, but I think, for me, it is the lesser of two evils. 

It still is strange talking about dying, mostly because I am aware that the people I am talking to aren't on the same page as me when it comes to this grieving process. One thing I have noticed though is that people will always tell me to have faith and hope. It is an interesting concept, faith and hope, that is. It is interesting because the real and more important question is "where should the object of my faith be rooted in?" "What am I asking for faith and hope in?" My faith and hope are firmly rooted in God, but that does not mean that I am praying and asking God to keep me alive. Having faith and hope in God is knowing that your salvation is safe. I know where I am going; we've all got to die at some point and of something. For me, that is what it means to have faith and hope. 

If I am to be completely honest, it is too painful to think about God healing me; for me, there is nothing worse than false hope. As far as I am concerned, even though, I'm out in the community, I'm not getting better, my symptoms are just different, and I am going to die soon. A part of me just wants to get it over and done with it. But as always, it's not my will but His that I want to be done; I just wish it wasn't so painful. 

This life is just one drop in the ocean. This story is not about me, it is about Jesus Christ who saved me. It is about making His name known as Lord, God and Saviour. I have been put on this earth to do the task that he has set out for me to do; no more, no less. I feel that my mission is to be a faithful Christian and be honest to the many people around me about what it is like to know God. God didn't tell me how He was going to do this, but I believe that through my blog and the people that I have met, He is accomplishing this task. It doesn't matter that I potentially have so much more left to give. God loves me and He knows how hard this life is; I want to go home and have every tear wiped away from my eyes and here Him tell me "well done good and faithful servant; welcome home my child".


  1. Thank you Stari for this post. I've found your blog, and this post in particular, so encouraging and helpful both personally and professionally [as a palliative care nurse]. With love, thanks and prayers for your continued peace in Him; Irene x

  2. Dear Stari,
    I have found your blog through a dear friend that we both have. I have found it truly and completely inspiring.
    I am at the very start of my journey with Christianity. I have signed up for The Bible in 365 days by Nicky and Pippa Gumbel and yesterday the title of the email was "God's purpose for you". I truly feel that the people you have reached, are reaching, and will continue to reach through your words is your purpose.
    Through your blog you have shown to people like me your trust and complete faith in Jesus Christ. A very personal account laid out for me to see to the heart of your relationship with God. For this I am truly thankful.
    It is difficult when I meet a lot of Christians who go to church, go to small groups and that is what I perceive they do. My perception is that they have these perfect Christian lives and they do not know what it is like to struggle with things. Thanks to you, and other friends and people on Alpha I now know that is not the case at all. These "perfect Christians" made me feel like I couldn't ask the questions I wanted to in case I looked stupid.
    What I really wanted to ask was, how does Christianity feel, how did you come across Jesus, how often do you think of Him, how do you know what he is saying to you, why do some people suffer more than others..... The questions are endless.
    To see a written account of your personal journey and relationship with Him has been so truly useful and helpful in my education of the Christian Faith. It has helped with some of the questions that I have and am trying to find the answers to.
    On a more personal note I know you as the girl who was really good at trampolining, the girl who got accepted to study medicine and would have made a truly wonderful Doctor. The girl who is loving and has wonderful friends as they are a reflection of how wonderful you are. Now I know you as the girl who is extremely honest and exceptionally brave.
    Thank you for all your words. I pray that you will be constantly surrounded by feeling of love and peace and that you do not suffer much pain. I wish I could come and give you a cuddle but know I am sending a virtual one.
    All my love


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