Sunday, 17 March 2013

Fish Bowl

Tomorrow is my last day of treatment of chemotherapy for this cycle. In comparison to last cycle, this one has been a walk in the park. At the risk of a premature celebration, I haven't vomited once, my brain hasn't swelled up and I haven't been put into source isolation. I've felt a bit nauseous and fatigued, but that has been  it - the physical side has been reasonably easy. But I have struggled emotionally this time round. With cycle one, I was unconscious for the majority of it so time seemed to pass quickly. This week has felt like it has dragged on for a very long time. My days have been dictated by my chemotherapy schedule and there is no escaping it. 

I feel like I'm living in a fish bowl- bigger than your standard gold fish bowl, but nowhere near as big as the sea. I move around in the space that I have getting glimpses of the outside world I was taken from; a cruel reminder of what once was. Like a fish would play with a ball and hoop, in my tank there are things that I can do to keep myself occupied, but it is meaningless. The hope that this will be over eventually is followed by the realisation that eventually could be a really long time. I cling to the hopes and dreams that I hold dear, desperately trying to stop them from turning into fiction, trying to believe that all is not lost, that one day, they will come to pass.  I move around my tank to give the illusion of purpose. But when I can kid myself no more, I stop and find myself deflated, empty and wanting.

They say God never leaves us or forsakes us, well, He actually says that himself. But I feel disconnected from Him, as if He were in some far away distant place. I know in my head that He is near, but that seems to make no difference to my heart or how I feel. I often wonder why it is that I can seem so far away from God when He is actually by my side. I have come to the conclusion that it is something to do with me. There are times when I know that I feel disconnected from God because I am living in a way that is against Him - if I turn my back on God then it is logical that I will feel disconnected unless He intervenes. In other times, including now, I think I feel far from God because I am consumed by the heaviness of my circumstance and have lost sight of God's fatherly love for me. It is not wrong to grieve. it is part of healing, but it becomes unhelpful when the head is held continuously in the tear soaked hands. It is when the brow is lifted and the gaze settles on the One who saves that hope, true hope, flows back into the heart and the strength to carry on is rekindled. Even as I write this, my heart is beginning to feel a little lighter. 

But part of me still wants to reject this lightness of heart being offered to me in favour for despair. Maybe it is because I don't believe that God will save me from this and grant me the hopes and dreams I sorely long for. Yet this I call to mind, God is always true to His word and He has plans not to harm me but to give me life. It is highly likely that this will not happen in the way I think is best but that is a good thing because I am inherently flawed. Maybe the reason I choose despair is because I feel that if I stay in my fish bowl, I have the right to be angry with God, maybe I will feel better if I have someone to blame. I have been caught in that snare many a time before. The truth is that this path leads to self destruction. It is ok to tell God that you are angry and upset, but it is not ok to blame God for the current misfortune. It is not His fault and He is a loving father who grieves with you and is even more angry about the injustice than I could every be.

I don't know. These are just the ramblings of a little girl who wants simple answers to complicated questions from her Father. I know I won't get all these answers in this lifetime, but this I know. I do not have to settle for a life in the fish bowl. Life only has purpose and meaning when I am doing life with God.. I am in there for a season and the season will pass. But while I'm there, there are whole new journeys to be made and experiences to be discovered. My mediocre fish bowl may have just turned tropical.


  1. your strength is so refreshing - even when you talk of your times of trouble and loss....think of what this is doing for your perseverance....I hope to bump into you again soon!

  2. Hi Stari,just caught up with this entry. Thank you again, guess I'd better get on with doing life with God!
    You and the bm donor search are daily in my prayers.
    love, Irene x

  3. Dear Stari, your 'ramblings' ( as you call them ) are such an important part of your growing and deepening relationship with your heavenly Father - He alone knows you the best and that it is okay to feel sad and frustrated and angry at these times , When I pray for you I also pray why? But in the midst of pain and suffering I see a 'little girl' I aspire to be more like , to be more FROG like ( forever reliant on God ) - Just maybe there are some tadpoles in that bowl as well,,,,,,Love Liz xx


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