Which Way To Go

Most of you will know that I have been wrestling with the decision regarding the bone marrow transplant. I have now made that decision. In light of my odds improving due to the cancer being in full remission, I have decided to go ahead with it. The whole process still scares me and the complications are very real and daunting, but sometimes, when the facts are confusing and the future unknown, you just need to go with your gut instinct. All I can do now is trust that God has prepared me for what lies ahead and will take me through it. What’s next? Well, they are still looking for a definite match; they have a potential match but they need to do further testing to confirm it as a definite match. If all things go according to plan it is likely that I will begin the transplant process in mid July.

But at least that’s that. However, there is another decision to be made, one that came out of the blue. I was told recently that there might be a way to preserve my fertility through egg harvesting. They process would take about two weeks. They would stimulate my ovaries with hormones so that it will produce about ten eggs. Just before they ovary is about to release the eggs, a needle will be inserted and the eggs will be collected. The eggs will then go through a freezing process and kept until they were needed. Later on, when I decided that I wanted to get pregnant, those eggs would be thawed and fertilised using IVF. The fertilised egg would then be placed back into my womb with the hope that it will implant into the uterine wall and continue on to full term.

Sounds good so far. Erm, not quite. The success rate for one egg going through this entire process and becoming a baby at the end of it is two percent. Since they take ten eggs, the total chance of success is twenty per cent. For me that was a deal breaker. I am not overly keen on IVF in any case, mainly because of the emotional price you pay when going through it, so case closed...or so I thought. Even though I would not opt for IVF now, how do I know I won't change my mind later down the line? How do I make a decision about a child that belongs not only to me but to somebody else when he is not there? Regardless of how I feel about IVF, the question still remains. Do I go for egg harvesting in the event that I change my mind later on?

As with any procedure there are risks associated with the egg harvesting procedure. If I were to have it done it would need to happen at the end of this cycle of chemotherapy and before the bone marrow transplant. But to be honest, my main concern is putting my body through unnecessary strain before a very harrowing procedure such as the bone marrow transplant. But am I being short sighted, selfish even? I don't think so, but how can I be sure? Later on down the line, if I look back at this choice and regret it, I need to be able to justify to myself why I made the decision that I did.

I'm not going to go for egg harvesting. There is only so much medical intervention my body can take. If I was starting off from a one hundred percent healthy position, then the outcome of my thoughts may have led to a very different ending. But the thing is, I love the concept of adoption and God has granted me peace with no regret. A child is a child and whether you love that child or not is governed by a choice, not genetics. Love, isn't

 that funny feeling in your stomach, nor is its purpose to make you feel better. What then is love? Love is patient in the face of stubbornness and kind when provoked. Love does not hold wrongdoings against you. Love is humble and rejoices when others succeed. Love is gladly serving those who hate you. Love is a protector of the truth and a warrior against the snares of destruction. Despite the bleak circumstances and in the face of adversity, love always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always perseveres and above all, it never fails.

Love is a choice. The default emotion in any one of these situation would be anything but love. If this is what love is, then it sounds impossible to do. True. But there is one who has done it. There is one who has been in all these situations yet still chooses love. His name is Jesus and He is God. He is the one who enables us to love in the way that He loves us. I have been adopted and am loved by the King. It is because of this that I will choose to love whichever child that may be entrusted to my care in whatever way because love never fails.