I write this with tears streaming down my face. I knew that this eruption was fast approaching. I could feel it gathering momentum over the last few weeks but especially the last couple of days. I tried my best to stop it from surfacing but it is cunning and chose to manifest itself in other ways. Irritation, trouble sleeping, non compliance, and the feeling of a constant lump in my throat were just a few of the signs. I tried to get ahead of the game and resolve the issue before it dissolved me. I tried to give myself space, because that normally works, by escaping off the ward last night so that I could remember what it was like to be free but unfortunately, I was spotted, twice, so had to return. Next time, I must take a mask. I wanted to keep walking, never to return, but there would be nowhere to go without being immediately being frog marched back to hospital. I know what I did was reckless and I know I shouldn't have put my physical health at risk like that, but I was desperate, I wanted to be me again. I have no control over anything in my life and trying to regain it is futile, as I have found out.
I guess this had to happen. I guess, at some point, I had to grieve over the pain and the loss. This is the pattern; once the immediate physical threat has subsided or kept at bay, I unconsciously start to deal with the emotional baggage until it surfaces to the conscious. It guess it is probably better to deal with one onslaught at a time, maybe I should be grateful.
This time, I have no epiphany, no hope inspiring words of encouragement. Just grief. But it is grief that is necessary for healing. This is part of the storm. I've know what's behind the smile and now you do too. Maybe it is the first step to knowing comfort.