Saturday, 15 June 2013

A Collection Of Reflections

While I am out of hospital, and also when I am in I guess, I am completely dependant on other people; a pill that has be quite a challenge to swallow. I have always valued my independance, knowing that I didn't have to burden anyone else with my needs, but the tables have turned and I have gone from one extreme to the other. The sacrificial love and care that I have, and continue, to receive from those around me is overwhelming and unparalleled; I would be well and truly stuffed if it wasn't for them. I will never be able to pay back the generosity that I have been given nor can I sufficiently convey how grateful I am. But receiving has been a hard lesson for me to learn. If I'm honest, I still find it hard and uncomfortable, but I have come to discover something about myself. I think pride lies at the heart of the issue. I think it is my pride that stops me from receiving; I guess, when it comes down to it,  I don't want to appear incompetent or incapable. Maybe I'm scared that if I were to let people in, they would see who I truly am and see me for the fragile fraud that I really am. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, I'm speculating. The truth is, I have never been independent, even though I have fooled myself into believing it to be so. I have always needed people, be it family or friends. Moreover, I have always needed God. I can't do this by myself. My proud psyche of self sustaining capability is the reason why I have found it difficult to receive, accept and submit to God. I don't know how to fix that, but I'm positive that if I tell God about it, not that He doesn't already know, He will do something about it and change my heart; that's my prayer anyway.

Receiving has not been the only challenge for me; being completely reliant has been just as grueling. I'm not the sort of person who would choose a backpacker holiday moving from place to place, but as it happens, in some small way, I think I'm experiencing it while being back on the outside. While I'm out of hospital, I can't care for myself, which also means I can't live on my own. So far, I have been housed and looked after by three different families. It has been a great blessing to be able to live with them for a short while. Even though I know I will never be out on the street, it is disconcerting not knowing where I will be going next. I was thinking about this the other day and a passage from the bible came to mind. Jesus was sending his disciples out into the surrounding towns and villages and he told them that they were not to take any supplies with them, not even an extra shirt, and they were to rest in the houses of those villagers who would offer. Well, I have two(ish) suitcases and I know the people who I'm staying with, so I'm already in a much better position than the disciples, but I think I can relate to how it must of felt for them not knowing where they were going to rest their head. But what it is teaching me is total reliance on God and trust in those whom He has provided for me.

I don't know why or how these things I think about come to me. I don't purposefully set out to think about my flaws and failings even though many of my blog posts would suggest I do. I know it must seem like I spend most of my time being morose, but it is not the case. Most of the time, when I am with people , I do genuinely feel happy and for a short while I get to forget about my life; for me, it is a welcomed distraction. It is when I'm alone, mostly at night, that I have no choice but to face up to the war raging within me. I do wonder at times if it is healthy to use distractions to escape the pain. I guess it depends on the nature of the distractions. But ultimately, at some point, the emotions will need to be accepted otherwise they will manifest in different and more subtle ways. I noticed this a few days ago. I found myself, getting extremely angry and jealous of the apparent ease of other peoples lives. Although I know that everyone has their own struggles to face and although I would never wish for the lives of others to be filled with hardship, I find myself seething. Seething at the fact that I just don't seem to be able to catch a break. I find myself asking the unhelpful question of Why does this have to happen to me? It is unhelpful because there is no answer. It is unhelpful because it is the wrong question. The question I should be asking is... Well, I haven't figured that out yet, but when I do, I shall let you know.

So there you have it, my collection of reflections. There is some comfort though, even though my reflections are news to me, they are not new to God. He has always known me for who I actually am, warts and all, but still loves me not because He can change me into someone worth loving, but because He is who He is

1 comment:

  1. I am thinking of the poem footprints - as I read your blog - I am thinking Be forever reliant on God and he will continue to send you the right people to care, support and carry you in your times of most need - I thank God you have an army of people who care for and about you. But , like all of us your are only human and it is normal to feel what you feel - you- have been through so much for such a young person I do pray that it is God's will to take this cup from you Love Liz x


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