I don't know why or how these things I think about come to me. I don't purposefully set out to think about my flaws and failings even though many of my blog posts would suggest I do. I know it must seem like I spend most of my time being morose, but it is not the case. Most of the time, when I am with people , I do genuinely feel happy and for a short while I get to forget about my life; for me, it is a welcomed distraction. It is when I'm alone, mostly at night, that I have no choice but to face up to the war raging within me. I do wonder at times if it is healthy to use distractions to escape the pain. I guess it depends on the nature of the distractions. But ultimately, at some point, the emotions will need to be accepted otherwise they will manifest in different and more subtle ways. I noticed this a few days ago. I found myself, getting extremely angry and jealous of the apparent ease of other peoples lives. Although I know that everyone has their own struggles to face and although I would never wish for the lives of others to be filled with hardship, I find myself seething. Seething at the fact that I just don't seem to be able to catch a break. I find myself asking the unhelpful question of Why does this have to happen to me? It is unhelpful because there is no answer. It is unhelpful because it is the wrong question. The question I should be asking is... Well, I haven't figured that out yet, but when I do, I shall let you know.
So there you have it, my collection of reflections. There is some comfort though, even though my reflections are news to me, they are not new to God. He has always known me for who I actually am, warts and all, but still loves me not because He can change me into someone worth loving, but because He is who He is