Wednesday, 31 July 2013

One Step At A Time

I woke up this morning feeling rather stressed. I was plagued with thoughts that, broadly speaking, said "What am I doing with my life". I know that might seem quite bizarre, given my present circumstances as I should be focusing on recovering, however, I hate not know what the plan is. When others go through similar anxiety provoking periods I preach "One step at a time"; I now publically acknowledge and admit to being the chief hypocrite of this statement and its ethos. 

A brief interlude: To relieve the stress of my current thought predicament I turned to do what I always do - clean. Unfortunately, that wasn't really possible and would be highly frowned upon if I was found on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor. But not all was lost. Sitting on my windowsill was a pile of letters that I received from the bank, benefits and such like organisations. The answer was staring me in the face. I could partake in a favourite pastime of mine - filing! I love filing. I love ring binders, file separators, staplers, hole punchers, which in my opinion is an ingenious invention, paper clips, index cards, I could go on but I'm guessing you get the gist. I hate disorganisation. I hate having things just hanging around without a proper place. When I was living with a particular friend, I was sitting in her room while she was picking up her folder. To my horror, a massive bunch of bank letters fell out of it. I just couldn't take it, I even offered to file them for her. In the end, I never got round to it, but I would always glare at it every time I saw it. Another thing I hate is when people move my stuff that I've intentionally placed in a certain order which, by the way, happens every morning when my room is being cleaned; I find myself watching them intently fighting the urge to tidy up after them, it is a daily exercise in self control. Anyway, I borrowed a hole puncher and stapler and entered into administrative heaven. I was so happy with the outcome of my file seperated ring binder, that I actually sat and looked at it for a little while with a big grin on my face. But I digress, just thought I should share the madness with you first. 

The sorts of things that I want answers to are where am I going to live once I'm fully recovered, what am I going to do, when do I fully recover, when can I start making plans without the threat of readmission stalking me. But in the midst of my circular argument something pierced my thoughts like an arrow. It was a passage from the Bible that suddenly came to mind. Jesus said do not worry about tomorrow because today has enough troubles of its own. I must have heard that passage hundreds of times but it would always make me grimace in a way that conveyed well thats easy for you to say, you're God! But today for the first time, that little verse resonated deeply within my soul and I finally agreed with Him. The former part of that passage talks about how God will look after your needs because He is a dad who loves His children. I have always struggled with that, always trying to take control. But today I was reminded, how, even though I have suffered greatly in my life, He has always provided for me, both materially and spiritually. I have no reason to believe that He will not continue to do so.

There was one other verse that jumped out to me that day. It is Proverbs 3:25-26 and says "Have no fear of sudden disaster, or the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side, and will keep your foot from being snared". This verse is not necessarily talking about the physical disasters, but also spiritual. God never promises that tragedy won't come. I used to get angry that I had to endure much suffering while others, who I, in a proud heart, deemed to be less deserving than myself, lived a happy life with no trouble. The truth is that disaster doesn't discriminate between the so called good and the bad, it comes to all people. The difference here is that He promises to stand beside His children. I used to pray, "God get me out of this" but I realise my mistake. The prayer is "God get me through this"; and as surely as the sun will rise, He does.

1 comment:

  1. God Bless , you are in my thoughts and prayers keep well love Liz


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