Sunday, 10 February 2013
I have often wondered if I had know the outcome of my choices in advance if I would make a different choice. Sometimes yes, sometimes no and sometimes I would rather not know. I am generally quite a decisive person which is a good thing, but my weakness lies in my impulsiveness. I have made choices that I regret, that have caused myself and other people to get hurt; if I could get a chance at a do over, I would take it. But there have been times where I have made the right choice, but the fruits of that choice have only become apparent later down the line. The choices were I would rather not have the foresight for are few, but they are pertinent to me. Just before I was due to start treatment for this cancer and the first cancer I was told that there was a chance that the chemotherapy could affect fertility. There was the opportunity for egg harvesting but it would take time, time that I potentially didn't have. In both cases, I chose to take the risk to my fertility and have the chemotherapy as soon as possible. But the future consequence of that choice scares me. However, I think I have chosen the lesser of two evils.
If you ask me now where do I see myself in ten years time, I would tell you that I wouldn't have a clue. This is quite novel for me. I tend to always have a long term action plan and I then live my life making choices that would achieve those goals. But if you don't know where you are going, how do you know which road to take? In my experience, my plans have invariably never come to pass. No matter how much I try to control the situation, my plans seemed to be foiled at every turn.
I previously thought that a lack of a long term action plan would strike fear into me and bring chaos, but it has been surprisingly liberating. Why? It is because I trust. I trust not in knowing all, but in the One that does. I didn't realise it at the time, but my desire to strive for my self imposed goals was crushing me. But when you trust in God and ask Him for His plans to be your plans then you can rest assured in the knowledge that those plans will work out for your good. The road He takes you on will be rocky and at times it seems like a terrible idea. The path that God has led me along has been, and is currently, very rocky. I remember saying to Him that this is really far from the plan, that there must be some mistake. But I can't see past the end of my nose. Who but God alone can know the future in all its entirety with all variables considered? I know that He has got me through such tough times before so I know He will again because regardless of how faithless I am, He is always faithful.
I may not be a doctor or married or living an easy life, but I wouldn't swap it for the world. There is one choice that I do not and will never regret and that is to follow Jesus. I don't know what the future holds or what choices I will make, but there is one thing that I do know. I am safe because He's got my back.