Wednesday, 20 February 2013

The Straw That Broke The Camels' Back

I have been in here for 31 days now and I have finally cracked. In my defence, however, I think I have lasted a substantial amount of time before this meltdown. So what is the nature of this straw? A promise broken. In their defence, it is a relatively small promise, but it was enough to awake the monster. I was moved from the side room into a bay 6 days ago. Which is fine because someone more ill than me needed the side room. However, there are disadvantages to being in a bay with other people, firstly there is no privacy - pulling a curtain round your bed does not make it sound proof, nor does it stop people coming in when you are trying to get changed. Secondly, you are always with people, there is no time where you can be on your own in silence; I like people but even I need some time on my own. Thirdly, most importantly, you are continuously woken up through the night with other people's machines going off and the nurses coming in and out. To add salt to the wound, it isn't even possible to sleep during the day because people are constantly coming and going. I have been sleep deprived for 6 days and counting. I can cope with most difficulties, but sleep deprivation is my Achilles Heel.  As an aside, in some countries it is actually a form of torture to wake people up just as they are about to fall asleep. But there was a light at the end of the tunnel which was holding my will to live by a thread. The staff promised me that today, although I would still be in a bay, they would move me into the corner where there would be a tiny bit more privacy. Did they deliver? No. They moved someone else into that area instead. When I asked them why they had done this, instead of owning up and apologising they shifted the blame. The result, adding fuel to the fire.

I am now venting in a glorified version of a store cupboard because it is the only place where I can find some quietness and privacy. I have kind of half decided that I am no longer going to be a compliant patient; I am even toying with the idea of self discharge. Why should I get up and go to bed when I'm told to, take the tablets when I'm told to, stay on this ward and not wander off. I know what your thinking, it's for my own good and they are only trying to help and keep me safe. But here's the thing, everything is so controlled that I want to push back. At least in prison, they get to go outside for exercise and are not being pumped full of poison; I bet the food's better too. What the staff don't appreciate is that for now and the foreseeable future this hospital, this ward, is my home where I am trying to live my life. Nobody would dare to walk into a persons house and act in this way.

This is normally the point in my blog where I flip the issue round and talk about what I think God would say on the matter. But, at this current moment in time, I've got nothing; but maybe something will emerge. The reason why, in my blogs, I always turn the issue over to God is to stop myself wallowing and going round in a vicious circle of despair. It is when you look to God that you find hope and your burden is lifted. So even though, the last thing I want to do right now is take this to God because I rather stay angry, I am going to try because I know it is the right thing to do and I will feel much better for it. So here goes.

I guess the first thing I need to tell myself is that it is not wrong to be angry and upset. It is ok to grieve. I know that when Jesus was on this earth He got angry and He was upset. I know that the pain that I am feeling now He feels too because He is with me. But staying angry and upset is not good because it leads to bitterness, resentment and the desire for revenge which is all consuming and destructive. I have to forgive the staff, as many times as necessary, for being inconsiderate. God has forgiven me for much much worse so I have no excuse not to forgive others even if they don't apologise or don't change. Forgiving people is hard and sometimes I find I need to forgive the same person for a particular issue in the past several times before the forgiveness has fully settled in my heart. It is a discipline, but it is one worth persevering with because the alternative is destructive. Once we forgive, we can receive healing from God for our wounds.

So the prediction of feeling better once I focused on God has come true. For those of you who are slightly concerned that I am going to stage The Great Escape, for now at least, I shall put my blueprints away. As always, God has the final word. True rest comes from Him, so I will trust Him to give me rest. I am much calmer than I was at the start of this blog but woe betide anyone who dares to wake me in my cupboard!


  1. Hi Stari....remember this time last year? Farrow MC were our student placement..(& I was about to have a big 'surprise' birthday party)...We all remember you..and we're all backing you in the challenges you're facing - I have you 'ear marked' as our GP registrar in the new surgery...doesn't matter how long before you're interview is necessary in your case! your faith is obviously strong & sustains you...I envy you that - my faith is a bit more hit & miss BUT I do believe that we are never tried more than we can bear...and always for a reason ..I'm sorry you have 'cupboard' issues (don't get me started on the shortfalls in the NHS) - my advice: DEMAND a wardrobe at the very least...Seriously..our thoughts & prayers are with you..- Fiona

  2. My darling Nangi,Life is so tough at times and not coming in the way which we expect... Changing it also sometime easy but sometime so hard. But we should try best to change things that we don't like to have. When the God is with us we get the power and strength to fight and overcome our troubles.
    Until I read the blog I never understood the philosopher and psychotherapist
    in you. You were a little sister to me. That is all. Your thinking patterns really inspired me. you are a God gifted child!
    My darling English rose, your parents should be so happy to have a daughter like you, We are so proud of having a sister like you.
    All of us with you and pray for you.

    Loving sister,

  3. Good to see you at SPBC, Stari. Hope it improved your spirits.

    Blessings, Philip


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