Wednesday, 20 February 2013
The Straw That Broke The Camels' Back
I am now venting in a glorified version of a store cupboard because it is the only place where I can find some quietness and privacy. I have kind of half decided that I am no longer going to be a compliant patient; I am even toying with the idea of self discharge. Why should I get up and go to bed when I'm told to, take the tablets when I'm told to, stay on this ward and not wander off. I know what your thinking, it's for my own good and they are only trying to help and keep me safe. But here's the thing, everything is so controlled that I want to push back. At least in prison, they get to go outside for exercise and are not being pumped full of poison; I bet the food's better too. What the staff don't appreciate is that for now and the foreseeable future this hospital, this ward, is my home where I am trying to live my life. Nobody would dare to walk into a persons house and act in this way.
This is normally the point in my blog where I flip the issue round and talk about what I think God would say on the matter. But, at this current moment in time, I've got nothing; but maybe something will emerge. The reason why, in my blogs, I always turn the issue over to God is to stop myself wallowing and going round in a vicious circle of despair. It is when you look to God that you find hope and your burden is lifted. So even though, the last thing I want to do right now is take this to God because I rather stay angry, I am going to try because I know it is the right thing to do and I will feel much better for it. So here goes.
I guess the first thing I need to tell myself is that it is not wrong to be angry and upset. It is ok to grieve. I know that when Jesus was on this earth He got angry and He was upset. I know that the pain that I am feeling now He feels too because He is with me. But staying angry and upset is not good because it leads to bitterness, resentment and the desire for revenge which is all consuming and destructive. I have to forgive the staff, as many times as necessary, for being inconsiderate. God has forgiven me for much much worse so I have no excuse not to forgive others even if they don't apologise or don't change. Forgiving people is hard and sometimes I find I need to forgive the same person for a particular issue in the past several times before the forgiveness has fully settled in my heart. It is a discipline, but it is one worth persevering with because the alternative is destructive. Once we forgive, we can receive healing from God for our wounds.
So the prediction of feeling better once I focused on God has come true. For those of you who are slightly concerned that I am going to stage The Great Escape, for now at least, I shall put my blueprints away. As always, God has the final word. True rest comes from Him, so I will trust Him to give me rest. I am much calmer than I was at the start of this blog but woe betide anyone who dares to wake me in my cupboard!