If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands

I like being happy. I'm generally quite a happy person, but it does surprise me that I am. It almost doesn't make sense. When I look back on my life, I see a life full of pain and suffering and I wonder why I am happy now. As I've said in a previous post, I have struggled greatly with depression and even though there were glimpses of happiness in the depression and out of it, it never lasted.  I felt like a leaky bucket; I would start to feel happy but then it would leak out and I would never be able to find the hole.

I used to keep myself super busy going from one thing to the next so that I avoided any possible opportunity to think.  I hated to going to bed at night because it would be the only time that there was for me to think.  Instead, I would stay up until I was exhausted so that I knew I would fall asleep. I was afraid that if I had time to think, then all the pain and hurt that I had put into my metaphorical box would burst open like a Jack In The Box.  In my world, emotions were a bad thing; they hold you back and stop you getting the job done. The solution to this persistent problem. Don't stop.

People who knew me would see me as a happy bubbly person. But it was my mask that I would wear in the world. Inside, I was scared and felt alone amongst the crowd.  I got very good at this act, I was even able to talk about hard issues in my life without being emotionally connected.  The result?  Nobody knew I was suffering.

But that was then and this is now. I am no longer a leaky bucket, I am a bucket overflowing. What changed? My box exploded - repeatedly. Through a combination of slow learning and stubbornness I had missed an important lesson.  It is only through healing that I could be truly happy.  The box that I had for my pain and fears needed to be healed. But it was a long and painful process; but it was a good sort of pain.  The pain in healing was nowhere near as horrific that I feared it would be but, in a way, it was soothing because I was finally allowed to grieve. 

The biggest lie that was contained within my box was that God was not loving but out to get me.  It took many years for God to undo the hurt in me and open my eyes to His true nature.  I remember the distinct moment when I the truth sank into my heart that God loves me and that's when everything changed.  Knowing that truth has set me free to be happy. I know that when I am hurting, I can trust God to heal my wounds because I can't heal them myself. It is because of this truth that I am able to be happy despite my past and despite the cancer.  

The joy and excitement of personally knowing God has no comparison.  I used to think I was happy filling my life with work, hobbies and distractions but it was a poor imitation of the real thing. I am happy not because of where I find myself in life, but because I do life with God.