Saturday, 27 April 2013

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

I wrote this post on Monday 22nd April - just needed some time and space before I shared this with you.

I can't have children. Words cannot describe how this feels, it is like being kicked in the stomach; devastating does not suffice. They say you always have a choice; in my case it is a choice between a rock and a hard place. It is the bone marrow transplant that will make me infertile. Be careful what you wish for, a bone marrow transplant isn't looking so appealing right now. I was hoping that maybe I could take my chances and not have the transplant. If the cancer came back, then I would go through chemotherapy again and then have the transplant. Unfortunately, I am told that if the cancer relapses, it will be significantly more aggressive and harder to treat. So if I have the transplant, then I will be infertile and run the additional risk of developing other cancers, but if I don't take the treatment I run the risk of this cancer relapsing and not being cured. A rock and a hard place.

Since the first cancer, it has always been in the back of my mind that I may not be able to have children, as I'm sure you've gathered from my previous posts, but I did always hope. I have friends who can't have children either but I never understood what that felt like, I couldn't emotionally go there. I absolutely adore children and have always wanted to be a mum. There is so much going through my head; most of which I know is not true but the pain is still felt in my heart. The thought of not being able to carry my own child is grievous. It is not only the fact that I won't be able to have children, it's knowing that my husband won't be able to either. I know this is not true, but it somehow feels like my fault. Does this make me less of a female? I know the answer is no but the thought of going into early menopause and having to take hormone replacement therapy for the next thirty odd years feels like my femininity is being robbed. 

I've always liked the concept of adoption and I think it's because it is incredibly biblical. When you are a Christian you have been chosen to be adopted into the family of God and you become His son or daughter; you have all the same rights, and responsibilities I should add, of a child of natural decent. An adopted child of God is not born to God in blood, as in a natural birth with a mother, but we have been bought by blood. In order that we could become children of God, Jesus had to die on the cross, thereby shedding His blood, so that we could be purchased from the jaws of eternal death. In a similar way, if one day, I have the privilege of adopting a child, that child would have been chosen by us to be our child. That child, who started life by being rejected for whatever reason, will be redeemed and forevermore know a life of love. It is true that my child would not have been born of my blood, but that doesn't make him or her any less of my child or any less loved and wanted. The beautiful thing is, when you are adopted, there is no difference between blood and water.

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