The Plot Thickens

Following the news that I was getting better with regards to the infection that I've had over the last week, I was given some unfortunate news following a scan of my heart today. I have a Hickmen line in which is a tube that they have tunneled under my skin and enters my heart. They use this line to give me the chemotherapy that I need and medicines. Unfortunately, they have found a clot on the tip of my line which is sitting in my heart. There are two problems with this. Firstly, some of the bacteria that has caused the infection will be sitting in that clot and will not be able to be treated by the antibiotics. Secondly, if that clot breaks off from the line it will go to my lungs which is very bad. So tomorrow they will take out my line. It is a slightly more tricky procedure than usual because they have to make sure they don't break the clot when they take out the line.

So how am I feeling? Not great. I am very apprehensive about tomorrow but also getting quite fed up of this onslaught of complications. I'm still not allowed out of my room so I'm getting restless and now this is likely to lengthen my stay in hospital. I guess the hardest part is not knowing when all of this is going to end and if there are any more horrors to come. I can't bring my self to be optimistic for fear of let down nor can I bring myself to be pessimistic for the pain that it brings in the moment. So I'm stuck in this weird emotional limbo not quite knowing what to do with myself. Can I just say how much I hate pain. I really hate pain and I hate feeling uncomfortable and not being able to find rest. To be honest, I think that is one of the main things that is playing on my mind.

I guess there is nothing more I can really say. Even though the situation is quite bad, it could always be worse and I'm not privy to what God is sheltering me from. I can only continue to trust that He will look after me. It is a hard thing to trust when your in a situation but the other option is despair; I think I'll go for trust.