Friday, 12 April 2013

Two Faced

Being two faced has never been considered to be a desirable characteristic; nobody aspires to being hypocritical and deceitful. I have two faces but not in the traditional sense of the word. As I'm sure you've noticed, most of my blog posts deal with issues that are heavy and at times, troubling  But there is a disparity between how I'm portrayed in my posts and how I come across in person. If you've never met me, then I would guess the view you would have of me is of someone who is consumed by issues concerning life and death. However, for those of you that know me, even during the tough times, you know me as a bubbly smiley person who laughs a lot. These are my two faces; the Emo and the Chipper Chipmunk.

So is one face fake? I've thought about this question for many years and I've finally come to the conviction that the answer is no. Rightly or wrongly, I haven't quite decided yet, I have always operated in this way; being cheerful amongst people and contemplative in private. I have always found it easy to talk openly about the emotions I'm going through when times are hard, but I never emotionally connect with what I'm saying. I talk about it in such a way that makes it look like I'm not really struggling because I'm still smiling and being cheerful. Typically, in the past, this has meant that I've often struggled in silence. It was a coping mechanism; being happy was a way to escape and forget the pain of suffering for a short while.

The Emo and the Chipper Chipmunk are two sides of the same coin; they are held together in tension. Allow me to explain. My last post, Dead Man Walking, concerning birthdays was a way for me to work through some of the pain I was feeling about being in hospital over my birthday. But what I didn't tell you is that, despite being in hospital, to my surprise, I really did enjoy my birthday. I spent it with some very dear friends and relished their company; it was a celebration of friendship for which I am deeply thankful for. The feeling of joy I had on that day was very real and true, but at the same time, held in tension, was pain that needed to be worked through and grieved. The grief that I felt did not diminish the joy of that day, nor did the joy of that day diminish the grief I felt.This is what I use my blogs for; to work through painful issues, allow myself to grieve and allow myself to be healed. I find at the moment that my emotions and feelings are not as clear cut as they have been in the past. Currently, I probably function on a level of bitter-sweet. But I think that's ok. I guess if I was happy all the time then I would be in denial and if I was sad all the time I would be depressed. I am neither. I'm an Emo Chipmunk.

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